What To Do if You Are Robbed in Madrid by Three Romanian Gypsies Within One Hour of Arrival in Spain

1. Panic. And loudly. As I learned quickly, the Spanish LOVE drama, and the more action they sense happening around you, the more excited they get. Like moths to a flame, so are the Spanish toward a damsel in distress.

2. If your nearest Spaniards happen to be Dutch residents, all the better. Because Dutch Madridians SPEAK ENGLISH, and that will be VERY VERY IMPORTANT. Also, these Dutch will spend the day with you and help you find a place to sleep and will give you money to sleep there. No Dutch want to see a girl sleeping on the streets because she has no money, no cards, and no photo ID. Rather, they want to take you for a beer, hand you a wad of euros, and point you to the police. Leading me to my third tip...

3. Spend hours at the police station filling out a report. Rather, take five seconds to fill out a report and then wait four hours for them to give you back what you wrote typed up.

4. Try not to cry or puke.

5. Try not to loath every punk Spaniard that you see with every fiber of your violated being. They did not do this to you. The Romanians did. Feel free to despise THEM with every fiber of your violated being. They are probably used to it. That is why they were kicked out of Romania.

6. Try to believe that God loves you even though His sense of humor is highly suspect.

7. Make friends with a sweet interpreter at la policia named Ana. She will let you sit in her office instead of on plastic chairs in the smoky lobby surrounded by similarly violated Swedes. She will also give you a free ticket to the hop on-hop off bus, and invite you to go with her and friends to an authentic Galician restaurant that night.

8. Try not to be bitter that you´re supposed to be IN Galicia that night.

9. Use the free phone in the police station to make frequent calls to the U.S. Call Wells Fargo, where they will tell you that you cannot wire yourself money with a vocal or written authorization, but you can give your FRIEND money with written authorization, who will then, despite broken leg, drive to the bank, take the check from your account, deposit it in hers, and then wire it over. Don´t forget that Western Union will not let YOU pick up this money because you have no photo ID, so pick an innocent policeman named Juan Carlos, have the money wired to HIM, and then he will bring it to you. Then, because this is your entire vacation savings, put it in your socks until you get to Vigo, where you will leave it at home and only leave the house with five cents at a time.

10. Take advantage of being left frequently alone in the private offices of the police station to take covert photographs.

11. Remember: at least you´re not a junkie in the urine-covered cell next to Ana´s office.

12. While your report is being ´processed,´go use the free hop-on pass, even though you make fun of the hop-on bus in San Francisco. Sit on the top deck even if it starts to rain a little bit. It will stop within seconds and it will feel good. From the top, you will get an hour´s worth of great photos of museums without actually feeling pressured to go inside and look at the art, feigning awe and attempting to feel cultured. It turns out you can feel cultured from on top of a hop-on bus passing the museum at a leisurely 5 mph. And don´t worry about using the earphones that tell you where you are: it is better to make it up as you go. I know I passed at least three palaces that my family used to own and a museum that has nothing but pictures of Madonnas smoking cigarettes.

13. When someone suspicious-looking approaches on the street (and by ´suspicious,´I mean, ´Romanian´), resist the urge to scream, ¨If you come any closer, I´ll rip your f*cking head off, you mother-f*cker!¨Because they may just be walking past you and then you´ve made a scene.

14. Similarly, when you are jostled on the subway, resist the urge to violently elbow jab the person who has bumped you. It could be your grandmother. Also resist putting them in a headlock and bashing their face against a handrail until blood pours over your satisfied fists, serving as a warning to others to give you a wide radius. Feel free to imagine this freqently, however, as it is curiously therapeutic.

15. Get off the hop-on bus at the Plaza de Espana, where you will be handed a tract from a local Christian about your ´nueva vida.´Once again suspect God´s sense of humor.

16. Go out with the policia to a tapas restaurant owned by Ana´s friend´s father. One, because you will be partying with the policia, the safest possible company in Spain. Two, your group will get superstar treatment because of the Ana-connection, and you´ll have some of the best food and treatment from one of the hippest restaurants in Madrid. You´ll eat smoked ham with olive oil and paprika, octopus with crunchy sea salt, fried dechamel, mussels, chorizo criollo, pimientos de padron, and bottles of Albarino so good your toes will curl with pleasure. You will also laugh a lot, as the policemen´s English gets better (and by ´better,´I mean, ´worse´) the more they drink. Eventually, everyone will be telling stories at the same time that nobody will understand, and it will be one of the funniest things you´ve ever seen.

17. Accept the offer of one of the policia to use his family´s flat in the Canary Islands anytime you want it. Start mentally planning out which girlfriends you are going to invite. Research to make sure there are no Romanians in the Canaries.

18. Go the embassy the next morning at the crack of dawn to fill out more reports for a new passport. Pay an exorbitant price for a replacement. Curse the Romanians one more time.

19. When you swear your oath in front of the consulate, resist the feeling that you are in the presence of diplomatic royalty. Despite your desire, you do not need to bow down or kiss her hand. This will make her uncomfortable. I promise.

20. Sprint to your train because the embassy will take so long you will get to the station three minutes prior to departure. And if you miss this train, you will be in Madrid one more night. Follow the person in line ahead of you, as he looks big and will help you with your luggage when he hears you struggling. He will also carry it all the way to your train car and put it in the compartment, reminding you further that all Spaniards are wonderful and not Romanian.

21. Love the train ride through green, green mountains on your way through Galicia. Sleep a lot. And when you wake, you will be home. And your shoes will still be on.