Advanced Life

Am I the only one who would like to see life divided up more clearly into Regular and Honors versions? I don't know about you, but I feel like my education spent in advanced and AP courses really set me up with a false expectation of what my lifelong peer group would look like. And I worry constantly that the people I am around all the time are dumbing me down. I mean, in real life, the average person DOESN'T speak four languages, I'm discovering, or play the violin, or whoop my *ss at chess (okay, maybe the last one is still true). And this distresses me, because now WHERE'S MY MOTIVATION, PEOPLE? I talked to my coworker Steve Long about this, and he said he had never thought about this HUGE PROBLEM before. But then, he's probably never questioned the size of his ice cubes, either, so maybe he shouldn't be my source. He also said that he relies on SELF-motivation to make sure he doesn't dumb down. I promptly informed him that this is crazy talk. I don't want to have WORK for my pursuit of knowledge. I want to GLEAN it from those more motivated AROUND me. Inadvertantly abSORB it. OsMOSis my progress. I want calculus and history thrust UPON me, not the responsibility of independent study. A couple years ago, I actually branched out and took a city college course for fun, and found that without the motivation of Valedictorian to propel me, I pretty much had no real reason to do my homework. Self-motivation, my *ss.

At any rate, I want other people to make me smarter by nature of their intellectual PRESENCE. The kind of person where, when you spend time with them, something interesting in your head happens, and a new synapse fires, and you just feel, when you’re walking away, like something GOOD happened there. I have a small handful of friends that do this to me, and I LOVE THEM FOR IT. And I really wish that the majority of the company surrounding me was more like THEM. Because I’m a SNOT like that. So this is my all-call for the Honors Kids Grown Up: if you're of above-reasonable intelligence, let me hang on your coattails, lurk in your hall closet, eavesdrop on your phone calls, and read over your shoulder. Much like I did with my friends growing up, who let me follow them around despite not being QUITE as intelligent as they were. If lying down with dogs means you get up with fleas (thank you, Father, for this lovely turn of phrase that has haunted me my entire life), then I want to lie down with geniuses and get up with regression lines.

(A not comprehensive list of) People in my life who are smarter than I am. These people belong in Advanced Adulthood. If you are not on this list, it’s probably because I think you’re dumb. Obviously.

Brian: I have never met anybody--and I mean ANYbody--who knows as much about music as he does. And I know coming from me that's a dubious honor because I’m still stuck on my Counting Crows c.d. from college, but really, his music reviews blow me away. And he’s a LAWYER. Who plays BASS. AND he had the good sense to marry my best friend. If all of these things don’t say “brilliant,” I don’t know what does.

Ana Maria and Treena: Yeah, I know, I’m combining two-in-one here and that’s probably cheating, but really, if you see their lit-blogs, you’ll know what I mean. I studied in the SAME English department with these girls, and we do NOT SPEAK THE SAME LANGUAGE. Ana Maria reads books in Spanish (with comprehension) and Treena can not only break down Henry James with ease, but she can beat me at chess in five moves or less. Usually less. Let’s be honest.

Caroll: You’ll see why Caroll’s a genius here. And here. And here.

Deee: Deee is like the modern-day version of the Renaissance Woman. Not only can she accomplish ANY housing-renovation just using her home depot how-to book—up to and including RE-FLOORING and WALLPAPERING—but she can draw, paint, and draw up architectural plans in as much time as it takes ME to blow my nose. And yes, I know you’re thinking, “Well, Sharona, you blow your nose an awful lot,” but really. She’s talented. She cooks from cookbooks that use ingredients I’ve never even HEARD of, and can whip together anything from Epicurious faster than I can call for carry-out. She’s also the only person I know who can legitimately wear skinnies. Oh, and did I mention she married Brian?

Leslie: There are no words for Leslie. But I'm going to try. Leslie is--hands down--the most offensive, outrageous, and hilarious person I have ever had the honor of sharing many college dorm rooms with. She's born for the stage, and while I know that's cliche to say, she really IS. I cannot say this with enough conviction. And I meet a LOT of aspiring actors/singers/writers/poets. And I secretly mock these people for their delusional hopes and dreams. But Leslie is an incredible actress/comedienne/dancer/singer, and you WILL see her with her own show one day. Mark my words. And when she does, remember that I know her and be jealous of me and ask me for a copy of her autograph so I can lord my power over you and maybe score a free lunch. Oh, and did I mention Leslie is married to Kyle?