Selling My Office

Sometimes you're given an awful task at work. Like, "Clean out the Bid Room." You're instructed to clean it out because the Powers that Be are going to be remodeling it soon, and it cannot be remodeled without some major housecleaning. And who better to clean out the company's biggest junk drawer than Go-Getter-Rona?

So you walk in this room that resembles a giant living and breathing junk drawer, very Heart of Darkness, and you're confronted with boxes and boxes of WHAT THE HECK IS THAT? There are calculators from a prehistoric age, there are architectural drawings from 1982, there are empty cabinets and torn chairs and OH THE DUST. WHO CAN SEE ANYTHING BENEATH THE DUST?

You are in charge of deciding what goes and what stays. And if you are me, EVERYTHING goes. But you also know that as soon as you decide to toss something, its owner is going to wander into the Junk Room in three months and go, "Where's my monitor stand?? I left it right here under this box of yellowing paper!"

And so you decide to sell everything in the room. Think "Office Yard Sale." You dive in, spend an hour on your hands and knees pulling everything out, and then you photograph it. And then you post every item in a company-wide email, charging five cents for every treasure.

Here's what went out:

"I’ve been put in charge of the Bid Room Cleanout. And while my instinct as a compulsive cleaner is ‘put everything in the trash,’ I’m reminded of the old adage “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” Not to mention some of this stuff may actually BELONG to somebody. (Obviously not a devoted parent given the stages of neglect, but hey, we all forget our offspring at daycare once in a while.)

So we’re having a Bid Room Yard Sale! Naturally the legitimate owner gets first dibs, but if nobody speaks up, each item below is on sale for five cents. That’s right, folks! One shiny nickel. So dig deep in your pockets, see how much you can buy with that jingling change, and peruse the wares below! Please note that any item not purchased will either be tossed, recycled, or stored away appropriately.

You have until next Monday to claim your prize. Should multiple bids arrive on any given item, the winner will be decided on a first-come, first-serve basis. Please reply only to me, not to ‘all,’ as the entire office may be alarmed by what you deem worthy of claiming.

Let the Sale begin!

Item 1: This is an unopened alphabetical expandable file! Before it gets banished to the office supply closet (a.k.a., the Orphanage), I thought I would give it a chance to be adopted into a good home. If you find yourself often sorting your piles in A-B-C order, this could be your tool!

Item 2: This is an exciting binder about Advanced Moisture Control! If you are the owner, nab it now! Otherwise this thing will easily sell itself!

Item 3: This is a lovely cushioned wrist guard for all those strenuous hours spent at your computer! Please note that it is intended for use on keyboard trays and does not sit flat on a desktop. Remember, carpal tunnel is not a video game: it’s a serious ailment.

Item 4: Feel like your plans are getting a little lazy and crowding your desk? Well, stand them up straight and keep them organized with this handy (possibly broken) impromptu plan holder! I’ve also seen two more lurking in the hallway by the Orphanage, so if you miss your chance with this one, there may be some others available!

Item 5: This handy piece of furniture can double as a file cabinet or a bassinet! And it comes with a free file tray/pillow!

Item 6: Ever throw a party and realize that you don’t have enough seating for everyone? Well, for the bargain price of a shiny nickel, you can invite one more friend over! Don’t let this ergonomic treasure slip away!

Item 7: Looking for a desk for that new home office? Want to give your kids a nice place to do their homework at night? Then buy now! Containing very few sharp edges, this desk is a modern design treasure.

Item 8: Not enough filing space in your cubicle? Want to get organized without breaking the bank? Perhaps you’re a supervisor and one of your employees has been whining lately about wanting more space? Well, here’s your chance to fulfill a dream! This two-drawer lateral cabinet is primed and ready to go. The high bidder also gets free paint submittals!

Item 9: Another trusty calculator on sale, this one comes in a sleek gray model, complete with a dusting of sediment carbon-dated back to 1982!

Item 10: Looking for just that right black metal bookcase to complete that cozy home library? We may have what you’re looking for! Act now! (Please note: books not included.)

Item 11: This box was labeled “Hardware Junk Drawer,” but I beg to differ! There’s nothing junk-like about THIS assortment of goodies! And no, I’m not charging five cents per item—you get the whole box!

Item 12: I’m not sure exactly what this contraption is, but according to the directions, it is easy to assemble! So if your hobbies ever included building model airplanes or constructing lego castles, this could be the toy for you!

Item 13: This is what we call a ‘five-fer’: five for the price of one! That comes to one cent each! You can’t pass this opportunity up! (Please note: the collection can be split up, but the price of an individual item will be two cents instead of one. A girl’s gotta make a living, you know.)

Item 14: When I saw this box of dinner-mint colored foam, I have to admit I felt my heart quicken in anticipation. What could be hiding in its mysterious depths?? And then I found it: a disk offering 50 free hours of America Online! It was like a dream come true. Don’t delay--this is going to go fast!

Item 15: Here we have a big black storage container! It’s great for holding things and in the dark it’s invisible! Can YOUR storage containers do that?

Item 16: This calculator was lurking in the depths, but don’t let its introverted nature scare you off! This one has accumulated sediment dating back to Pompeii, which locks down the five cent selling price. While appearing broken, don’t let this fool you: it can also be used as a paperweight or a doorstop!

Please respond immediately with the number of the item you would like to have. I will require the shiny nickel to hold your purchase, but financing can be arranged."



And the best part of this is? THESE ITEMS ARE SELLING LIKE HOTCAKES. And I'm leavin' work tonight with four jaunty nickels in my pockets.