My New Onesy-Making Business

Pregnant Girlfriends: Quit Reading Now

I spent my Saturday morning looking for The Cutesy Onesy in All the Land for one of my ever-blossoming girlfriend's baby shower taking place that night. And of course I went to San Francisco's Premier Mothering Neighborhood: Noe Valley. Three high-end baby boutiques within four blocks guaranteed eventual success. One darling shop contained funny baby things, including the popular onesies that say things like "I Eat Dirt" and "I Don't Floss." Another boutique a block down had little knit sweaters for the bargain price of $98.00, guaranteeing that you WILL beat your child if they spit up. Then there was the organic baby shop, where your Little Precious can be swaddled in the fruit of the earth instead of fruit of the loom, and dreadlocked mothers posed on earth-toned packaging holding their all-natural born-in-a-cabin babies, who are sucking from teats flavored with hemp. After traveling the line of shops (think 'there and back again'), I finally concluded this: I liked the funny onesies best, but thought I could do better. After all, I have a tee-shirt making history. And I'm relatively clever. What could go wrong? So I bought some white onesies, I bought some iron-on transfers, and then I sat there, staring at my computer. After ten minutes of brain-betrayal, I concluded that I needed one of two things: either a drink, or the input of my most outrageous friends. Given that it was two in the afternoon and I forbid myself alcohol before 2:30, I hit up my girlfriends first. Unfortunately, two out of three girlfriends I contacted had no idea what a onesy was ("Is that a dress?" and "I have no idea what that means" may have been the exact responses), and then there was Leslie, who came through with shining colors in what I can only term The World's Most Offensive Onesies Ever. And by 'offensive,' I mean, 'ab-so-f*ckin-brilliant.' Of course, these particular pregnant girlfriends may not appreciate the sentiments, so I am filing them away to put on my own future offspring. But she inspired me. And the onesies are flowing off the presses. All two of them. I can't tell you what I went with (yet) as my pregnant girlfriends may not have obeyed their directions to quit reading this, but here are the ones that sparked the imagination. And if you're a sick mother-effer and would like one of these, just holla. You just may get a Rona-n-Leslie Original.

Here they are, onesies to make you weep:

"I Make Downs Look Good"
"Lactose intolerant. What else can I suck on?"
"Crack Baby With a Purpose"
"Rape Can Produce Something Cute"
"Abortion Attempt Schmabortion Attempt"