My Orientation

Apparently a friend-of-a-friend has recently questioned my sexual orientation due to some jokes made about girlfriends in previous posts (and before you start clicking around looking for talk of pillowfights and sharing lipgloss, let me save you some time and tell you you won't find any. There's only some occasional rear-smacking and cloud-romping.) This question immediately triggered memories of back home, where if you're 26 and unmarried, everybody thinks you're either a lesbian or you should start buying cats. I remember once in college I brought home my short-haired, affectionate, semi-raunchy college roommate Leslie and announced my move to San Francisco. Later my mother came up to me and whispered, "Your sister thinks you're a lesbian!" "What did you tell her?" "I just laughed." "Mom!" "What?? I thought it was funny!" The two of us shared this private joke for some time, allowing the rumor to reach Gramma and Auntie before we finally broke down and told the truth. You could tell my sister was secretly disappointed, as I think she hoped to Know Someone Like That as fodder for her Great American Novel.

But for the record, I am currently straight. Now onto other things you may have inferred from previous posts that may not quite be true that I should clear up now:

1. I don't smoke da pot. And while we're on the topic, a cigarette has never touched these virgin lips. The hardest drug I've ever tried was snorting a pixie stick on a dare at a slumber party in sixth grade. (And for the record, DON'T DO THIS. It does NOT FEEL GOOD. PICK MOONING THE NEIGHBOR IF YOU HAVE A CHOICE.)

2. I did not get naked at the Marimekko store and roll around in their linens. I got naked in MY apartment and rolled around in their linens.

3. I did not 'technically' spend my lunch break surfing the internet looking for a picture of Michael J. Fox. I spent time before work surfing the internet looking for a picture of Michael J. Fox.

4. I would indeed accept a cup of nog from a perfect stranger on the streets of San Francisco and enjoy every warm, blissful sip of it before stumbling off to look for harder stuff.


Hopefully that covers any possible confusion. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go show my coworker Cynthia some appreciation for her outfit today.