Miss Teen USA

Okay, so I just got back from getting my haircut, and you know how your stylist always fixes it PERFECTLY, all blow-dried to perfection and you know there's no way in the WORLD you'll EVER be able to reproduce it and so you walk around for an entire afternoon admiring yourself in storefront windows because you're hands-down just the best looking person you've ever met and IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN FOR THREE MORE MONTHS? Well take that phenomenon. Then tell your stylist that you're going to your company Christmas party tonight and you want your hair to REALLY knock your socks off. Like, the usual perfection AND THEN SOME. Tell this black-turtlenecked man wielding four brushes that "we're thinking Wild, we're thinking Crazy, we're thinking Head Turning Perfection." Then imagine that this man translates this to: "Texas Beauty Pageant Contestant." Yes, my friends, in the land where Big = Better, my stylist reigns tonight. I am currently balancing more hairspray than can be good for the atmosphere. I make Farrah Fawcett look like a total poser. Part of me thinks this is THE GREATEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME, and part of me thinks, "Can I fit through the door?"