Over the River and Through the Woods

Sunday Rachel and I finally went to find our perfect small Christmas tree. Given our mutually crazy schedules, we are rarely available or home at the same times, so this was Our One Chance.

First Stop: We started optimistically on foot, naively heading to our old and favored tree lot: Delancey at Geary and Divis. Upon arrival, we were vetoed by a sign reading, "We are no longer here! Try our new location, farther away! They open yesterday."

Second Stop: We followed the sign's directions and hoofed it to the New Location. Turns out that the opening date on the sign was wrong. "No, we open on the TENTH." "But the sign says the 8th?" "No. The TENTH." Realizing quickly that there was a language barrier AND no trees for purchase, we moved on.

Third Stop: We decided to try the neighborhood Safeway next, thinking "Big Supermarket = Big Potential." Stupid us: Safeway only sells food. And flowers. And picture frames. And organic soy. But no mini Christmas trees.

Fourth Stop: By this point we were cold, so we headed across the street to Starbucks for peppermint hot cocoa. Warm cups clutched in hand, we see a bill on a pole: "Turk Street Christmas Tree Lot!"

Fifth Stop: This 'tree lot' is only two or three short blocks away, so we trek over, feeling heartened by our cocoa-warmed spirits. This is where we learned an important life fact: Small Trees Sell Out in the Projects.

Sixth Stop: Home for the car. We were about to take it up a notch.

Seventh Stop: Deciding to learn from the Turk Street Empty Tree Lot, we decided to head for the Delancey location in Hayes Valley: land of clean streets, twinkling Christmas decorations adorning every lush, well-placed ginkgo biloba, and home of the fashionable well-to-do and purveyors of Large Christmas Trees. And THANK GOD FOR RICH PEOPLE, because as the Representatives of How the Other Half Live, we OWNED that small tree selection. With a dozen beauties to choose from, we rotated them around, discussing their height, their weight, examining their teeth. Then we found Her. The most beautiful, curvy maiden in all the Lot. We couldn't resist, immediately taking Her home, where She could dwell in happy, twinkling peace. Then we promptly violated her with the tackiest ornaments in our repertoire. And she's breathtaking. In the purest, most seinfeldian use of the term.